• ldecaux1

Loneliness vs Being Alone

For years I created an annual ritual about feeling alone. On the 11 December each year I would write in my journal something along the lines: And today, once again, I am lonely and alone. I don’t know why the 11 December? It was just a random date where I created a ritual which perpetuated my feeling of emptiness and not having a partner or someone who loved just me. Looking back in my journals I found that the last time I wrote this was in 2014, nearly five years ago. Since then this ritual has disappeared from my life and I had forgotten about it until today when I was reading a quote from Osho where he was speaking about loneliness and being alone as being two completely different states of being.

I suddenly realised that I was no longer lonely but that I did love being alone! I no longer needed this annual ritual and it had fallen away without my even saying goodbye to it and acknowledging this change in me.

Looking back, I can see that this feeling of loneliness, of isolation, of wanting someone to come and fill the gaping hole in me started when I was very young . . . . probably even before I was born and was in my mother’s womb. My mum’s mother, Alice Louise, died when mum was only 2 years old. Mum never got over it. There was always a gaping hole in her heart. A yearning for something which never quite came to fruition. An unspoken grief and neediness which settled itself very firmly on me, the middle child. From an early age mum would say things to me like ‘Promise you’re never leave me’ or ‘You’re the only one who loves me’. I tried really hard to fill that hole inside of her but I never could. All that happened was that this cavernous wound transferred itself to me and, like my mum, I spent most of my adult life trying to find the one person who would be able to complete me. The knight in shining armour who would soothe my wounds, make me feel loved and carry me off into the sunset to be happy ever after. I tried to find him. God knows, I tried to find him but he never came . . . . . I continued on the path of loneliness.

And, it’s no coincidence that it was reading that snippet of Osho that prompted me to write this blog, for it was through my path in the Tantra world that I finally discovered that I could fill the hole in my heart by loving myself first and not by searching for someone outside of me to do it. Through healing my wounds about love and loneliness I learnt to love myself . . . me . . . . Louise de Caux . . . . exactly as I am. As I learnt to love and accept me, loneliness disappeared. Osho describes loneliness as being a state when you are ill with yourself, bored with yourself, tired with yourself and you want to go somewhere else and forget yourself through being with someone else. He goes onto say that aloneness is when you are thrilled by just being yourself and you are enough unto yourself. I now know this place.

I won’t lie, it’s not been an easy path and the work still continues. However, I can finally feel that place in me where I love and appreciate being alone and I can choose when I want to connect with others and when I want to be by myself. But it’s more than that. I’ve let go of the grief and fear and I have found a deep love which is not connected to another person. A love for myself. A love for others. A love for the world. A love of the Divine. I no longer need another person to fulfil me because I am enough for myself. If a partner came into my life now, I imagine, I hope, that they would find a very different me.

And this 11 December I can write in my journal: And today, I am alone and surrounded by love.

115 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All